Anxiety rising

   I haven't written for a while and it's for a good reason.  My son has had four illnesses in quick succession.  Croup-had to go to the ER because he couldn't breathe, a week later an ear infection, a few days ago bronchitis, and today an unknown virus.  I feel so sad for my poor baby and it's hard for me to deal with it emotionally.  He has been sick a lot in the past and it has caused me a lot of anxiety.  I struggle with anxiety so much and between by miscarriage and this I feel out of control of my emotions and everything in general.
   It's upsetting to me because anxiety is something I have struggled with before and learned to cope and manage. I read an amazing book called "Calm My Anxious Heart" by Linda Dillow.  I read certain chapters in it over and over so it would be solidified in my brain and heart.  It broke down the verse, "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus."  I live by that verse.  I try to first talk with God about what I'm thankful for.  In a moment of anxiousness this can be challenging but there are always so many things to be thankful for.  This immediately starts to help me focus on what's truly important.  Then I talk to God about what I'm going through in the moment, what I need from Him.  I know He won't give me more than I can handle.
    Trusting God and following His word have helped me overcome my body's and mind's natural reactions in the past but now I'm struggling again.  I feel like it's just too much.  I also have a lot of time now because I have the summers off (to spend with my precious boy!) and now there is more time to think.
    Because I can feel my body reacting to this pressure (tight throat, upset stomach, mind won't stop, shaky, etc.) I asked my doctor to go back on my anxiety medicine.  I need to do this to help myself to feel normal again.  Trusting God is by far the most important part of overcoming my anxiety, but I can't always do it without medicine.  I also decided to drink less caffeine and as soon as L is better, I will be walking a lot more often for exercise.
    I have also decided to talk with a Christian therapist next week.  I know for others the experience that I had may draw them closer to God but for me it's harder to talk with Him.  I'm getting there but I need help.  I need help overcoming all the thoughts running through my mind and I need help to feel normal emotionally again.  It's so hard to admit that I need this help.  I was brought up to see myself as capable enough to do anything and to be strong.  These are good values but when you need help it's hard to admit it.  A good friend suggested seeing a counselor to me which was wonderful.  She did in such a caring and real way.  I don't think I would have had the courage or the thought process to come up with this on my own.  After crying one day for an hour and a half while my son was napping (and sick) I decided to make an appointment.  I'm admitting that I need help getting back to feeling normal emotionally.  I want to be the best mom and wife and friend I can be and I can't do those things feeling the way that I do.
    On the plus side I got my period (first time ever wishing for that!) so I know my cycles have started again.  That doesn't mean I will be pregnant anytime soon but it does give me hope that I could be pregnant again.
     To anyone reading this who is a friend thank you for your prayers and thank you for your friendship.  You have no idea the impact you have made on my life.  I couldn't walk this journey without you.  And to those of you who have lost a baby I pray that you are able to seek the help that you need to deal with all the pain and sadness you feel.  It may just be talking to a friend or talking with God.  For me, in this season of life I need more to help me overcome this grief.  I'm looking forward to weeks and months from now when I can look back and see the changes that have happened.  I'm praying that I will be a more caring and loving person because of it and that I will be closer to Jesus than I ever have been.  He is my everything.