Just when I think that maybe I'm okay, that maybe I won't think about this baby I have another hard moment. I hadn't cried for a whole week last week and I was feeling good. And then I was at Bible study again and I was so desperate to share. I want my friends to know what's happening in my life but it's so hard for me to bring it up. We started off by just hanging out like we always do and then the couple hosting was sharing what was happening in their life. It was so hard to hear about the small things happening in their life when I had such a big thing that I wanted to share. What they have to share is important to me but sometimes my loss can be blinding. I could feel my anxiety rising. Then another couple shared and inside I was feeling myself becoming almost frantic.
Then one of my dear friends finally asked Andy and I how we were doing. I just burst into tears. It was such a sweet and simple question that doesn't and maybe never will have a simple answer. How are we doing this moment? Today? Last week? When it happened? In a month? When we are able to start trying again? I was completely overwhelmed by the amount of sharing my heart wanted to convey that I simply couldn't do it. I was able to tell my friends that talking helped a lot and that I did want to share with them. They were wonderful and said we will listen whenever for however long you want to talk. I said please keep asking me because it's so hard to bring up myself. I know they will.
Another moment happened this past week when I was at a friend's house. Our son L had just gotten over a brief but scary illness (We ended up in the ER because he couldn't breathe. We found out he had croup and after they gave him a steroid he was significantly better and was only home for one day. Phew!) so I must have been feeling overwhelmed by that and tired.
My friend's son is good friends with L and so we were there to play. She is pregnant with her fourth baby (#2 and #3 were miscarriages) and it's wonderful to be with her 99% of the time but today (probably because I was already worn out) became hard. She is super cute and has a white board with what week she is in her pregnancy and something about that week. I was playing with L, glanced up, saw that on the wall, and my heart just sank. Thoughts started running through my head, "What week would my baby be if he/she were still alive? I think I would be just starting to feel the baby move. I would probably have a cute tiny baby bump by now. Why am I not still pregnant? I want to be so much!" Luckily L and I were playing inside and so it was just the two of us. I was holding it together but just barely.
After a while it was time to go home and make dinner. Andy called me to tell me he was on his way home and right away he asked, "What's wrong with L?" He could tell by my voice something wasn't okay. I told him what was wrong and cried and cried. He came home and just hugged me and let me cry. I tried to move on but for the rest of the night I was just sad.
It's so hard. I have no idea when these emotions will come up or what will set them off. Sometimes things you think would make me sad don't. Like the other day when a student said, "You have two sons right Mrs. M?" No, I thought. I might have two sons but one I have never met. Another time a neighbor said, "You're pregnant right?" (Another neighbor is pregnant and was due just 4 weeks ahead of me) I let her know that was a different neighbor and wasn't me. And finally the time that L said "Momma, baby? Momma, baby?" I have no clue why he said that. Okay, that last one did make me tear up. But not for as long as I would have thought.
It takes so long to heal.
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