I am one in four. One in four pregnancies end in a pregnancy loss. Almost all miscarriages occur before the first 12 weeks and so when we went into our 12 week appointment without any prior warning signs, Andy and I thought we were good to go. We were going to have a baby in mid November which was perfect. Our son L would be 2 years and 3 months and there would only be one grade between him and his sibling. We were looking forward to the two of them being close friends. Our family would grow to four. We were so excited.
Even when the doctor couldn't find a heartbeat I wasn't worried. I thought I was really 11 weeks and three days, a little early and I have a tipped uterus. There had been no bleeding, no cramping and the doctor said I was growing the way that I should be. Just to check to make sure everything was okay we were to have an ultrasound that day. It wasn't until the scheduling secretary said we were having an ultrasound to check for viability of pregnancy that I had the slightest tinge of worry.
After we were in the hospital for a while we finally arrived to the ultrasound room. Very formal transactions occurred there. The ultrasound tech informed us that she couldn't say anything during the procedure. She was not personable and got right down to business. The second the ultrasound began I knew there was no baby. I saw my uterus, I saw my baby, I saw no heartbeat. The ultrasound continued. She checked my ovaries and went back to the uterus one more time. I wanted to scream, "I know my baby's dead. I don't care that you can't officially give me the news or not just please say the words and get it over with." But she just continued and I silently looked up at the ceiling holding Andy's hand. I was just waiting for it to finish so I could finally break down. Finally, after what seemed like forever but was really just minutes she said I could put my clothes back on and she would be back in 20 or so minutes.
She left and I sobbed. I knew my torture had just begun and I already so desperately wanted it to be over. My baby was gone. I knew it. My hopes for my family and our future were over. My baby was gone. And yet I had to wait. Wait for the ultrasound tech to come back and tell me that my doctor wanted to see me now. "Oh really? She wants to see me? Maybe to tell me my baby is dead because you can't? Just tell me now what I already know!" I understand why these procedures are in place but really?
So Andy and I left the hospital me sobbing and in shock. Everything was supposed to be fine. Nothing was wrong and yet everything was wrong. Where was my baby?
Another waiting room. Another appointment. Finally we see the doctor. "I'm so sorry," she says. "It's really hard to see this happen at this point. You have three options," she says. "And you will probably leave here today still not knowing what you want to do. One, you can wait for the miscarriage to occur naturally which could take a month or more and you still may need surgery (Are you kidding me??? Let my dead baby stay inside of me for that long and still it might not work? I haven't even started to bleed!!! No way am I okay with that.) Two, you can take medicine that gives you contractions like you are in labor to help speed up the miscarriage (Not happening, my dear friend lost a baby and used this. She said it was just as painful as real labor and was the worst pain she has experienced. I know I don't want this). And three, you can have surgery to remove the pregnancy, a DNC." Immediately I respond that I want a DNC. I understand that there is a chance it could affect future pregnancies and I understand that it's surgery. For me this is the least worst choice. Please get this torture over as quickly as possible. I check with Andy and he says whatever you want is fine.
So, another waiting room, another appointment, another doctor. By this time I was bleeding some but the doctors told me it was likely from the examinations. Andy and I met with the doctor who restated our options. I told him that I wanted a DNC as soon as possible. We were able to schedule my surgery for the next morning at 11:00. Now began the waiting.
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