Normal

Normal.  That's all I wanted life to be after the surgery.  I wanted to act normal, I wanted to be normal, I wanted people to treat me normal.  I thought that would make it easier, I thought it would make me feel better.  I didn't realize that's not at all I what I wanted until later.

At first, the reality of what happened to me didn't hit.  I mean I cried and felt horribly sad about it, but there were so many decisions to make at the beginning that really feeling our family's loss didn't hit.  At first there are all the medical decisions you have to make and the work decisions.  And then you have make sure that everyone who knew you were pregnant knows.  There is just a lot to do and not much time to think.

In the midst of all that doing, 2 days after we found out, our small group Bible study came over.  It was already planned and I wanted "normal" so we didn't change any plans.  I asked if we could have a game night instead of our regular study.  I just knew that if we didn't have a different plan we could end up talking about what happened the whole night.  At this point, I did want to talk about it, just not for three hours.

So, our friends came over and I acted normal so they acted normal and it was weird.  Looking back I completely understand why they acted the way that they did.  This is what I requested, this is how I was acting but it felt wrong.  This huge, life changing horrible thing had happened to me and Andy and not a word was said.  At the very end I though oh I'll bring it up now but by then it was too late.

The next day, Friday, I went back to work.  I had decided it would be better to go back to work and try to get back to regular life.  I couldn't believe how much harder it was to be at work then at home.  Not very many people knew what had happened to me and I walked around the building screaming in my head, "Do you know what happened to me three days ago?  I had a miscarriage.  I lost my baby.  Nothing in my life will ever be the same again.  Do you know?  Would you care if you knew?"  It was so hard to be around others.  My world had completely changed and someone I loved dearly died and yet the rest of the world kept right on going.  I realized then I couldn't try to make everything normal anymore.  That's when I decided to share and talk about what happened to me and my baby.  This is what has helped me heal and this is what has helped me now, three weeks later, begin to feel normal.