The surgery

Thank goodness my surgery was scheduled for 11:00.  I don't know if I could have made it longer.  Andy and I woke up that morning and then he took Levi to daycare.  And then I sobbed.  I cried and cried and cried.  I wanted the surgery and yet I didn't want them to take my baby.  I desperately wanted to still be pregnant.  How could my baby be gone?

Andy and I got to the hospital for surgery prep at 9:30.  The nurses kept us busy with lots of questions and got me ready.  Before surgery the anesthesiologist came in and was simply wonderful.  She was so professional, so caring, and so personal.  I was scared because for surgery I was planning to be put under because I didn't want to remember the surgery.  I didn't want to remember the doctor cutting my tiny baby out of me.  But I was scared because there is always a risk when you are put to sleep and all I could think of was my son L.  I'm still a mom and I have one baby who has to have a mommy.  I shared this with the doctor and she said, "I'll be honest.  I have been in your shoes.  I was awake during my surgery and I really wish that I hadn't been."  I was amazed by her vulnerability and care for me.  I asked her if it was possible for me to still be awake but not remember the surgery and she said she could do that for me.  So that became the plan.

Before going back to the surgical room they gave me a shot of medicine to make me more comfortable.  Then when I got to the surgical room there were lots of nurses.  They were sweet and gentle.  After that all I remember is another shot going into my arm and it hurting a little.  And then I woke up in the recovery room with Andy by my side.  I felt really tired and a little dizzy.  I asked him if it was over in a hopeful voice.  He said, "Yes honey, it's over." and I cried and cried again.  I said over and over "They took my baby.  They took my baby."  It was such a vulnerable and terrible feeling.  A surgeon had taken my baby away and he or she was gone forever.

After a couple hours we left for home.  I had a headache and was exhausted so I took some ibuprofen and fell asleep.  I slept for a couple hours and woke up feeling physically normal.  I didn't feel any pain.  I was bleeding but no more than a heavy period.  At least the physical part of this pain is over I thought.